I Have Sampled Hell

December 14, 2015 — 37 Comments

Dear Journal,

You will never truly fathom the length of an hour until you’re trapped in a carful of cooped cats. I should know. In its first week on the market, our home had five showings, and prior to each weekday appointment, I have single-handedly caged and packed four hateful cats in my car so that we can squat at a nearby Walgreens parking lot while a potential buyer judges our home.

Each trip requires a prep time of at least 15 minutes, 14 to apprehend four uncooperative cats and one to drive to our destination. To comprehend the courage this chore requires, imagine being a police officer shoving an uncuffed, floundering, knife-wielding, ninja-skilled, squealing degenerate into the back of a squad car. A lot of pushing down of necks and shoving  of butts is necessary to get a cat in its carrier. Now repeat this three more times.  It would be four, but when Reese sees a carrier, she becomes Clawing Tornado Bitch so we were, like, “Fuck it. Don’t even bother trying with her.”

Thankfully, since the first showing, I have discovered a more efficient method of imprisoning multiple cats. To drastically reduce the amount of stress and bloodshed, start with the able-bodied cats in order from smartest to dumbest. Mr. Tiddles, upon seeing Elvis being incarcerated, is quick to bolt. This is why he goes first. The two handicats are pretty oblivious to what’s going on at any given moment, so they go last. The deaf one is first in the handicat queue as it’s pretty easy to catch a blind cat that doesn’t know how to hide.

Have you ever wondered, ‘What does elevator music in Hell sound like?’ If so, cram your car with cats. The wailing cat choir’s distressing discord blaring from your car (and punctuated with each speed bump your cross) will induce acute hysteria in any sane driver. I’m pretty sure that if I drove much farther than two blocks, the unholy melody would have eventually summoned one of Satan’s minions.

When squatting in a Walgreens parking lot for an hour, it is advised to settle into a slot in a far corner, away from others. This will reduce the risk of someone reporting to the police that it sounds like the driver of a gray SUV with the license plate BLOGGER parked in the Walgreens parking lot on Poplar is torturing small children in their back seat. And to be honest, I don’t know which would be more embarrassing: getting caught mutilating small children or getting caught with four distraught cats in your car.

It is the longest hour of my life. Longer than that last hour of school before Christmas vacation. Longer than the hour I waited on the telephone “for the next available Comcast representative.” I became frustrated with how casually each minute passed, proving that time is an asshole. When playing video games or watching a good movie, it greases itself up and quickly slides away, but when I’m suffering through a repeat performance of my untalented cats’ dreadful opera (with Elvis strumming the mesh netting of his carrier window while Zoe enthusiastically rattles her cage door), it advances gradually as if enjoying my misery.

The book I bring doesn’t allow me escape. Instead, I am distracted by pondering the series of life choices that have landed me enclosed in an SUV with four highly irritable cats. But in the midst of my torment, I have a moment of clarity reminding me that when compared to these 60 minute segments, my life with these heathens isn’t so bad. They give me love (such as when Blind Murphy curls next to me in bed at night, purring himself to sleep), laughter when watching them play and knowing they will have a home with us forever, and something to write about (hence the creation of this website). And this helps me hold on until the 59th minute passes when I can take them back home and supply a peace offering of canned tuna.

This is not to say that these hour-long excursions haven’t made me question my lack of religion because I have a felling that when I die, this will be my Hell. And Hell is an eternity.

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37 responses to I Have Sampled Hell

  1. 

    God I love visiting here! You always make me laugh! That and I know how accurate your facts are! Congrats on the offer Cary!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    Congrats on getting an offer on the house. When we were showing ours, one of my heathens could somehow sense it was going to happen and would puke a hairball somewhere that I’d miss but the potential buyer would somehow ALWAYS inadvertently step in. It was his special gift.

    Like

  3. 

    Believe me: I know EXACTLY how you feel! I just never had the idea of describing it in this kind of humor (and love to the kitties, yes)
    Thanks for sharing a chuckle!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    A little music to soothe your soul this holiday season. Have a happy!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Hehe awww I’m laughing at your horror, I’m so terrible. AHAHAHAHHAHAHHAH!!!!
    “Have you ever wondered, ‘What does elevator music in Hell sound like?’ If so, cram your car with cats.” I’ve honestly never wondered that, but now I can’t stop thinking about it so THANKS A LOT!
    (Don’t worry I wasn’t shouting just then, only capsing- I felt I should clarify because I don’t think you need anymore loud sounds in your life.)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 

    Your described situation is actually rather horrifying. Perhaps you should write a Cujo-esque story about what happens when the noise in the back suddenly ceases and you go back to investigate…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. 

    I will admit, when we bought our house, we bought the one that had a kitty during the showing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. 

    Maybe my favorite ever. “…it’s pretty easy to catch a blind cat that doesn’t know how to hide.” Made me spew coffee all over my desk.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. 

    Maybe my favorite column yet. “…it’s pretty easy to catch a blind cat that doesn’t know how to hide.” Made me spit coffee on my desk!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. 

    Cary I just laughed until I cried—-have been in that situation with demented felines sooooo many times in my life—

    Liked by 1 person

  11. 

    You are so right. Time IS an asshole. Hope you sell quickly!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. 

    I hear Madonna used to have the same problem! Her brother was especially complicated. Then she just bought cages and a tranquilizer gun and everything was fine 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. 

    “…the unholy melody would have eventually summoned one of Satan’s minions.”

    Love this. I feel the same way about Salvation Army bell ringers. The pitch of that fucking tiny bell incites me to kill.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. 

    I feel your pain. Two years ago I moved from Baltimore to Richmond. Normally this is not a terrible drive. Except that this time I was taking this drive in a very mechanically (possibly mentally because I’m convinced it was sentient) U-Haul with four cats stuffed into the cab with me. Zora, who is already both talkative and possessed, yowled her fool head off. Pickle, who hates Zora, alternated hissing and Zora and yowling. Wally, who normally actually likes car rides, was freaked out by those two, so he yowled and also pooped. Daisy, who was not too bright anyway, emitted a low desperate moan out of sheer confusion. By the time I reached the Potomac, I was trapped in a rattling vehicle with a cacophony of Hell and the delightful aroma of cat feces, with two hours of travel left. When I got to Richmond I put the heathens into the new place and beelined to the nearest bar.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. 

    I seriously know your pain. In the last house I lived in I had to vacate with my cats for an open house, so I took them to another friend’s house who was out of town. Unfortunately, this friend also had a cat, that unbeknownst to us, was truly the cat from hell when other cats were around. Initially, we kept them separated, but accidentally let the other one into the bedroom when we went to get them out. It went full crazy. Like, we feared for our own lives. I ended up having to take our cats out through the bedroom window because we couldn’t let them go near each other again. I’m surprised no one called the cops on us.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. 

    Hoo boy, I hope that house sells quickly.
    I suggest earplugs. Very helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

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