Of the 13,970 unique visitors to The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal in 2015 that generated 26,726 page views (as of December 28, 2015 at 1:30 pm Central), 1,965 found me via search engine (e.g. Google, Yahoo, Bing, etc.). Since my website platform
tattles provides me with the search terms you used to find me, I have learned that y’all are some sick mother fuckers. Of course, this shouldn’t be surprising since 2014 brought me degenerates looking for “satans anus banana” and “pepper suppository burn my ass.”
Below are the most peculiar search terms from 2015 that brought you to The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal.
hand holding apple penis:
Variants of “Reluctant Cat Owner” and “Elevator Butt” are, by far, the most used search terms normal readers have used. However, there’s a third top-hitting phrase the perverts utilize. I don’t know what algorithm Google uses to match results with a search term, but my website draws in a plethora of horn balls looking for “baby arm holding an apple.”
Unfortunately, I know why. It’s because two years ago I wrote about that time my newborn niece shoved an applesauce-vomit covered fist into my mouth. When I titled the post, “Like a Baby Arm Holding an Apple,” I didn’t realize it would end up attracting this many deviants looking for pictures of over-sized cream cannons. Boy, I bet they were disappointed.
But this year, one “baby arm holding an apple” search stood out among the rest. “hand holding apple penis.” I’m still determining if this was a deliberate attempt at locating a picture of a literal apple penis or one of those “English as a second language” blunders. Either way, the moment I saw it, my brain downloaded this mental image:And now yours has, too.
show me gaysex having gay sex together & how to have gay sex with yourself:
Let’s take a moment to address a common grammatical problem: reduplication and redundancy. If you are looking for “gaysex,” I can assure you with 100% confidence that he or she will be having “gay sex together.” And I would pay many cash dollars to anyone who can demonstrate sex with themselves that is not, in fact, gay.
There is no need for the superfluous adjectives. That’s like saying, “invited guest” or “free gift” or “protest against” or “Kardashian whore.” Each can stand alone and mean the same thing. I am absolutely certain that the end result of unnecessary redundancy makes you sound like a stupid moron.
cat and peanut butter:
All I want to say to the person rummaging through the web for this is:
Thank you, Morgan Freeman.
how to tell my straight cusion for fay sex:
Like a David Lynch movie, I was left with many questions about this. Do you talk to your cushions? Or is “tell” a typo? Did you mean “how to sell my straight cushion for fay sex”? Are cushions sexually oriented like people? Can you buy gay-only cushions? Is fay sex gayer than gay sex? If so, what does fay sex involve? Did you find what you were looking for on my website? If not, can you please provide a link to the site that resolved your curiosity as I will not be able to sleep until I have answers to these persistent questions?
reluctant lesbian magnet:
I don’t know, but I imagined a woman with spikey hair dressed in flannel standing in the chainsaw section of Home Depot being propositioned for gay sex together by a women she has never met, and her scoffing and saying, “Again? Ugh. Well, okay. But don’t tell my boyfriend.”
[writer’s note: I have never apologized for anything I have written, but if the stereotypes above offended any of my lesbian readers, I will reluctantly apologize only because most of you scare the shit out of me.]
Cary Vaughn jesus:
There is nothing wrong with this one. As a matter of fact, it’s one of the few search terms that made sense. I’m just sharing it to show you what Google (and one reader) thinks of me.
Yeah. I’m kind of important.
Let’s not forget it.