Most Peculiar Searches of 2015

December 29, 2015 — 20 Comments

Of the 13,970 unique visitors to The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal in 2015 that generated 26,726 page views (as of December 28, 2015 at 1:30 pm Central), 1,965 found me via search engine (e.g. Google, Yahoo, Bing, etc.). Since my website platform tattles provides me with the search terms you used to find me, I have learned that y’all are some sick mother fuckers. Of course, this shouldn’t be surprising since 2014 brought me degenerates looking for “satans anus banana” and “pepper suppository burn my ass.”

Below are the most peculiar search terms from 2015 that brought you to The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal.

hand holding apple penis:
Variants of “Reluctant Cat Owner” and “Elevator Butt” are, by far, the most used search terms normal readers have used. However, there’s a third top-hitting phrase the perverts utilize. I don’t know what algorithm Google uses to match results with a search term, but my website draws in a plethora of horn balls looking for “baby arm holding an apple.”

Unfortunately, I know why. It’s because two years ago I wrote about that time my newborn niece shoved an applesauce-vomit covered fist into my mouth. When I titled the post, “Like a Baby Arm Holding an Apple,” I didn’t realize it would end up attracting this many deviants looking for pictures of over-sized cream cannons. Boy, I bet they were disappointed.

But this year, one “baby arm holding an apple” search stood out among the rest. “hand holding apple penis.” I’m still determining if this was a deliberate attempt at locating a picture of a literal apple penis or one of those “English as a second language” blunders. Either way, the moment I saw it, my brain downloaded this mental image:

apple

Thank you for forever inputting this yeah-baby-swallow-that-applesauce image into my head. [note sarcasm]

And now yours has, too.

show me gaysex having gay sex together & how to have gay sex with yourself:
Let’s take a moment to address a common grammatical problem: reduplication and redundancy. If you are looking for “gaysex,” I can assure you with 100% confidence that he or she will be having “gay sex together.” And I would pay many cash dollars to anyone who can demonstrate sex with themselves that is not, in fact, gay.

There is no need for the superfluous adjectives. That’s like saying, “invited guest” or “free gift” or “protest against” or  “Kardashian whore.” Each can stand alone and mean the same thing. I am absolutely certain that the end result of unnecessary redundancy makes you sound like a stupid moron.

cat and peanut butter:
All I want to say to the person rummaging through the web for this is:
morgan

Thank you, Morgan Freeman.

how to tell my straight cusion for fay sex:
Like a David Lynch movie, I was left with many questions about this. Do you talk to your cushions? Or is “tell” a typo? Did you mean “how to sell my straight cushion for fay sex”? Are cushions sexually oriented like people? Can you buy gay-only cushions? Is fay sex gayer than gay sex? If so, what does fay sex involve? Did you find what you were looking for on my website? If not, can you please provide a link to the site that resolved your curiosity as I will not be able to sleep until I have answers to these persistent questions?

reluctant lesbian magnet:
I don’t know, but I imagined a woman with spikey hair dressed in flannel standing in the chainsaw section of Home Depot being propositioned for gay sex together by a women she has never met, and her scoffing and saying, “Again? Ugh. Well, okay. But don’t tell my boyfriend.”

[writer’s note: I have never apologized for anything I have written, but if the stereotypes above offended any of my lesbian readers, I will reluctantly apologize only because most of you scare the shit out of me.]

Cary Vaughn jesus:
There is nothing wrong with this one. As a matter of fact, it’s one of the few search terms that made sense. I’m just sharing it to show you what Google (and one reader) thinks of me.

Yeah. I’m kind of important.

Let’s not forget it.

20 responses to Most Peculiar Searches of 2015

  1. 

    I thought of another fantastic topic that, if posted, would earn you a coveted place in Google search royalty: manspreading. The double entendres alone would fill three paragraphs.

    Seriously, though, I have a question. Midway through another You Tube binge watching extravaganza I noticed that gay men do not seem to perform the grotesquely annoying manspread with quite the same alacrity of the cis crowd. In fact, I didn’t see a single one do it.

    Do I simply gravitate to gentlemen on the web or is this a thing?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    You need to do a post about the crazy goin’s on here in bumfuck Oregon so the nutjobs will find you just as quickly in 2016. We have Bundys (never a good name) campin’ out in bird refuge offices with nothing but their sleepin’ bags and their guns. It gets lonely in those offices, at night. (cue Brokeback Mountain music)

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/oregon-militia-erotic-fan-fiction-colin-meloy_568e9519e4b0c8beacf5f6c8?utm_hp_ref=arts

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    This was quite a hilarious read, Cary. And it of course reminds me of the fact that I haven’t checked my search engine terms. 😀
    Thanks for sharing this with us. I had tons of fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      I would love to know what other’s have received as search terms that landed people to their site. It really shows the true soul of another’s website, I think.

      Liked by 1 person

      • 

        Okay, here we go: Apparently the top search term for my bog was “miss you”, “missing you” and “muss you” aren’t far behind. Similar search terms are used as well. Somewhere in the middle field are: Treasure Chest, writer relationship; and far in the back “sexy frozen pics” and “frozen” can be found… That’s about it.
        It’s nice how you said “shows the true soul of another’s website”… I just keep convincing myself that my blog isn’t boring people into a coma. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    “y’all are some sick mother fuckers”

    You can run from the Law of Attraction but you can’t hide.

    “reluctant lesbian magnet”

    For eight years I was a weightlifter who ran a landscaping company and subsequently wore a lot of t-shirts and work boots with my pixie haircut. Need I say more?

    “Cary Vaughn jesus”

    This must have been the most disappointing one of all for the hornies looking to make a deposit in the ol’ spank bank. I mean, dude, why did you cut the hair?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Okay, so your “image” drew the eye before I had actually started reading the text. This went one in my head:
    “Huh?”
    …skip up and read the paragraph above…
    …tilt head sideways…
    “Ohhhh….okay.”
    “That length/width ratio doesn’t really look right, does it?”
    “Why would the color be so different?”
    “Sure is awfully straight. Like REALLY straight.”
    “What’s with the squiggle…oh, pubes, I get it.”
    “Wonder why there’s a lone pube sticking out of the top?”

    I have officially contemplated an apple penis WAY longer than I ever thought I would in all of my life.

    I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      To answer a few of your speculations:
      The apple penis was drawn based only what I imagined since I’ve never seen an apple penis in person. I had to go with what I already know about penises hence the width/length ration.
      It’s a different color because of the apple blood flowing into its throbbing member.
      You’ve never seen a really straight penis? They’re beautiful.
      You’ve never seen a lone pube on a shaft? Consider yourself lucky.

      Like

  6. 
    Kitty Cat Chronicles December 29, 2015 at 6:22 pm

    This is the best “end of the year post” I’ve read. Ever. Hysterical. And thanks for that image of the “hand holding apple penis” ..hahaha

    Liked by 1 person

  7. 

    This is the best “end of the year” post I’ve read. Ever. Hysterical. And thanks a lot for that image of the “hand holding apple penis” hahaha

    Liked by 1 person

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