Catting Like Norwegian Nano

February 1, 2016 — 14 Comments

Dear Journal,

Shortly after finally coming to terms with the latest proof of our decline as a civilized society (i.e. the comically inevitable Sarah Palin endorsement of Donald Trump), the Internet replaced it with another aggressive story. Without warning, it held me down and raped me with the news of a 20-year-old Norwegian by the name of Nano who believes she was born as a cat in a human’s body. Despite my constant protest, the Internet shoved it into my Facebook news feed, my email, my news websites, and any other hole into which it could force itself. Since it wouldn’t take “no” for an answer when taunting me salaciously with, “hey baby, you wanna see something fucked up” and “you know you like reading shit like this,” headlines, I decided to relax and give in to my assailant so it could blow its story inside of me and go bother someone else.

Now that it’s over, I feel more confused than violated. Don’t think me a whore for sensational media. I still didn’t enjoy it, but unlike other trashy stories shared under the guise of human interest, this one lingers in my head, creating an overwhelming stack of questions I have nowhere to exchange for answers. For example: Does she have a job? If so, what employer saw “Can sleep in sinks and windowsills” on her resume under Special Skills and determined that she was a better fit over a candidate that was proficient in Microsoft Word? Has she been reported to HR for trying to lick her asshole during team meetings? Does she lunch with co-workers, or does she sit alone atop a break room table over a can of Friskies? How strong is her urge to murder? Has she murdered anyone yet?

Speculating aspects of her life more than I should, I was able to deduce a few assumptions such as:

  • Since she hates water, she most likely bathes herself with her tongue and therefore reeks of morning breath.
  • Because of her mounting therapy bills, her parents have cut her allowance, preventing her from saving up for that body modification surgery she posted on her vision board.
  • If you stand outside of her residence long enough, you’ll eventually hear her mother yell, “Will you sit down at the Goddamn dinner table and eat what I fixed you, for Christ’s sake?!” or “Oh for shit’s sake, Nano. Would you get your ass out of the fucking sink so I can brush my teeth? I’m already running late for work.”
  • She doesn’t really “speak cat.” I know this because when a reporter asked her to translate, “Come on. Let’s go,” into cat language, she said…

uhh

…before pissing some garbage out of her mouth…

meow

…and then glared at the reporter with a pretentious expression that read, “Question my fluency of the feline language one more time, bitch. I dare you,” while hugging an over-sized teddy bear to her stomach. Or who knows. Maybe she was contemplating murder.

pretense

Aside from all of the speculations I’ve made about her life, I am mostly fascinated by her relationship with Svein, the guy pictured above and standing to her right. This Kurt Cobain reject has multiple personalities (the article doesn’t make clear whether his disorder is self- or clinically-diagnosed as they skimmed over him like a bible on Kevin Swanson’s pulpit), and one of the personalities is a cat!

Let’s pause for a moment and dwell on the miracle of serendipity where among the billions of people scattered on this planet, a psycho who thinks she’s a cat trapped in a human body can find companionship in a psycho who believes one of his many personalities is a cat.

If you believe anything from this article (and everybody should really question everything they read/hear/watch on the internet), believe that, God damn it all if there really isn’t someone for everyone, even weirdos who were born with a “thing.”

signature

14 responses to Catting Like Norwegian Nano

  1. 

    I can’t believe I didn’t check out your blog before. Do you do stand-up? Ever considered it? (And as I wrote this I checked your ‘about’ section to see if the answers to my questions were already there by any chance. They weren’t, but I do apologize for calling your website a blog. I agree, it’s kinda like calling a woman a cat.

    Seriously, I wouldn’t know where to begin commenting on what I saw in that video. I appreciate how two people can find love in each other when they purr at each other, and let’s be honest: who wouldn’t want to go through life with amazing superpowers such as hearing rolling suitcases and clinking keys. Magneto, eat your heart out.

    And she says she never succeeded in catching a mouse. Does that mean she tried? Does it mean she put up her fake ears, fake tail, went into full cat-mode and chased a mouse through her house?

    My mind is blown…not unlike that cat lady’s…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    When I watched this video I was laughing loudly for minutes and could hardly stop. Thanks so much for that hearty laugh!
    I’m sorry for sounding so rude now, but I personally think this woman has a thing. It is called “empty head syndrome”. Standing concentrated in a crowd of people everyone can hear what she claims to hear. Just focus on the different kind of noises.
    As soon as a person stands in the dark the eyes get used to the darkness and start focusing on the shadows and silhouettes rather than colors and clear vision. I have quite light sensitive eyes and darkness feels better to me than bright sunlight. Do I see better in the darkness? No. Just different. She hisses at dogs when she sees one? I would say, she does when she is together with a reporter being interviewed, not because her instincts take over. Additionally, cats usually don’t meow when communicating among themselves. They meow to their owners. They might purr, hiss, growl, even roar at each other, but very rarely meow. Her “cat language” is downright b****sh**.
    Just to demonstrate being a cat doesn’t make her one. In my opinion she’s highest degree bananas… (and maybe just too freaking lazy to work). And I think her ‘kitty-friend’ is not one degree less crazy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    Unrelated (sort of) but saw this and thought of your clan:

    Like

  4. 

    I think I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating: My husband was engaged before we decided to start a relationship, and that engagement ended because, while doing an update on her computer (which she asked him to do), he discovered a folder that had all of her research on being a furry. Turns out, she thought she had the spirit of a wolf and was carrying on an online affair with someone who identified as a rabbit. I can’t imagine *that* relationship was healthy, what with one being a predator and the other being typical prey. But then again, isn’t that how all relationships work, to some extent? Anyway, I digress. Point: Animal spirits. Meh. (Also, I hope she just goes around knocking over ALL her friends’/famiky’s shit. Like, this is your glass? Pick it up! This is your pencil? It’s on the floor now. Yeah. Whatcha going to do about it? Nothing.)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Well, I am just surprised she isn’t running for office.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. 

    I’ll only believe Svein if he has spines on his penis. Authenticity, people. Which would make the black gunk around Nano’s eyes layers upon layers of moldy sex tears.

    Liked by 2 people

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