Reviewing Cat Products

March 7, 2016 — 16 Comments

Dear Journal,

If you want to know what it feels like to diarrhea money, own a cat. For the care, health, safety, and entertainment of an ungrateful feline, your wallet will have to spread open more than your mom’s vagina. And much like your mom’s vagina, it’ll make you double over with cramps and moans. Your face will flush and a cold sweat will spread over your brow as dollar bills spew forth, dousing the pet store cash register with money you could have spent on that Autoblow2 you’ve had your eye on for 6 months.

Exchanging money for cat-related items wouldn’t be so painful or messy if my investments were more informed. That’s why I want to document my thoughts on a few recent purchases, so I won’t (mostly) make these mistakes again.

Let’s starrt with the Grreat Choice Catty Stacks Cat House.

cat stack

Cats love carrdboarrd morre than theirr Lorrd and Saviorr, Satan, so when I bought thrree on sale at PetSmarrt forr only $2.47 each, I imagined finally winning theirr darrk love as they frrolicked merrrrily among the colorrful, Swiss cheese-holed cubes. Howeverr, in rreality, once the deconstrructed cubes werre assemble (a task that is arrguably harrderr to complete than Ikea’s Liatorrp), all five heathens ignorred it more than a frree STD test.


Pictured: No shits given.


The Boots and Barkley Sisal Cone Post Cat Scratcher is a product purchased by idiots who don’t understand the elemental laws of physics (i.e. me).

sisal cone

Mildly intelligent individuals will immediately notice that this cone-shaped scrather does not include a base and that without a base, any force applied at the cone’s apex would cause it to tip over. At first sight, all of my heathens conceptualized the consequence of plucking at it with their claws; all of them except Elvis.

Delighted by the new surface on which to massage his talons, Elvis pranced his happy-go-lucky ass over and sank the needle-sharp tips of his front claws into the cone’s pleasantly rough surface. With just one gentle tug, the cone suddenly tipped forward and smacked him in the face like a welfare step-mom in Walmart. His reaction to this unexpected assault by an inanimate object was discernible confusion, as if he wondered why I would not only bring home a face-punching machine but then encourage him to play with it.

As he walked away with his feelings hurt, I realized I had just spent money on this useless scratcher to prove that Elvis is, in fact, our stupidest cat.

The Hexbug Nano Robotic Cat Toy is nothing more than a miniature vibrator with plastic legs and a tail, but whoever laid eyes upon a sex toy for midgets and visualized a plaything for cats is a genius because this is Zoe’s new favorite toy.

My only recommendation with the Hexbug Nano Robotic Cat Toy is to only use under adult supervision. If your cat playfully swipes it into a hard-to-reach area (such as under the stove or refrigerator), you’re stuck listening to this thing rumble against the floor like a toothbrush having a grand mal seizure until its batteries die down many, many hours later.

I wonder if there are any other cat products that have proven to be worthy of my money or just another case of diarrhea.



16 responses to Reviewing Cat Products


    I can see, there’s a lot of creativity in the description of your experience with fundamental cat toys.
    I agree with the cone and the toy – but I got one of these card-boxes and my boy loves it. He insists sleeping in there, even though there are TONS of nicer places in his entire house. *sigh*

    Liked by 1 person


    This cracked me up. You had me reaching for the like-button when you started talking about my mother’s vagina.

    Liked by 1 person


    Do not purchase the Cat Scratcher Arch. Same as the cone it does not have a solid base and tips over. The Scratch Lounge (the Original) is fabulous, the brats love to sharpen their claws on it and lay in it as well.

    Liked by 1 person


    Seriously, cracking up.

    Liked by 1 person


    Oh, I laughed and laughed.
    Wait until you get to teeth. This is a new thing in veterinarian care and mega-expensive. I’m 71, have owned cats all my life, and don’t remember teeth ever being an issue until, say, the last decade. My current feline lord-and-master will only deign to eat wet food…no dry crap for him…which is all my childhood cats ate, so I’m waiting to see if that’s the issue.

    Liked by 1 person


      Oh my gosh, yes! Teeth are the most expensive! I actually wrote about having TWO dental issues in one month (Talk to Your Cats About Meth). It cost us over $1,000!!!! No more candy for the kittens!



    Maxwelle Smarte and Morrie Amsterdam endorse French catnip.

    Liked by 1 person


    My inner copy editor is screaming and rending its clothing asunder.

    But the robot looks cute.

    Liked by 1 person

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