The Guest Evaluation Form

March 14, 2016 — 14 Comments

Dear Journal,

It may be unbelievable, but I once enjoyed having company. Years ago, it wasn’t uncommon for me to host an impromptu dinner gathering or welcome unannounced company into my home to share a bottle of wine. It was easy because my home was in a constant state of cleanliness and order. But then cats happened.

Nowadays, the anxiety of hosting visitors is nearly unbearable. While entertaining, I spread a pageant smile and plug blind interjections appropriately in conversation because I’m busy telepathically begging Blind Murphy to hold his potty so that his unpredictable IBD won’t surprise-rape everyone’s nose or for Mr. Tiddles to not sprawl on the kitchen island like a buffet of porn and lick his penis to full mast.

Mrtiddles

What can I say? Parties excite him.

An easy remedy would be to just stop having people over, but as much as I’ve tried, they sometimes find their way through my front door. Instead, I pop a Xanax, play host, and then submit the following self-addressed/postage-paid evaluation card the next day to their home via United States Postal Service. This form not only helps prevent future, pet-related offenses, but for some reason, it curbs my post-visit anxiety.

Dear [insert name here],

Thank you for your recent visit to my home. To help us improve future visits, please complete the following evaluation form and return via USPS as soon as possible.

1. During your visit, which rooms of the house were you allowed to visit? (circle one or more of the following) LIVING ROOM / DINING ROOM / KITCHEN / BATHROOM / HALLWAY / MASTER BEDROOM / GUEST BEDROOM / OFFICE / DEN / GARAGE / UTILITY ROOM / MASTER BATHROOM / GUEST BATHROOM / POWDER ROOM / ATTIC

2. Of the rooms circled in question 1, which one(s) did not meet your standard of cleanliness? (circle one or more of the following) LIVING ROOM / DINING ROOM / KITCHEN / BATHROOM / HALLWAY / MASTER BEDROOM / GUEST BEDROOM / OFFICE / DEN / GARAGE / UTILITY ROOM / MASTER BATHROOM / GUEST BATHROOM / POWDER ROOM / ATTIC

3. Of the room(s) circled in question 2, please provide additional information/feedback (for example, “Did y’all start hanging Louisiana moss from the ceiling fan blades or was that cat hair?” or “The pile of vomit in the hallway didn’t match the walls?”):

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

4. On a scale of 1 – 10 (1 being “So clean, I forgot I had a nose” and 10 being “summer corpse”), please rate the odor of the house at the beginning of your visit? ________

5. On a scale of 1 – 10 (1 being “fresh baked bread” and 10 being “shower fart”), please rate the odor of the house at the end of your visit? ________

6. On a scale of 1 – 10 (1 being “Vin Diesel” and 10 being “Captain Caveman”) how much hair clung to you upon departure? _______

7. At any point during the visit, did I or my husband talk too much about our cats ?  (circle one of the following) YES / NO

8. If your answer to the above question is YES, please explain why that is a bad thing:

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

9. Would you recommend visits to my home to your friends? YES / NO

10. If you answered YES to question 9, please explain why you would do such a thing to me:

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Sincerely,

Cary Vaughn

Since I can only pretend “Oh no! The cats have never jumped on the counter after using the litter box before!” for so long, I probably need to amp up a therapy session in regards to this volume of my encyclopedic anxiety. I think I’ve come to terms with not opening my home like I used to, but I bet it would feel nice not fretting over whether or not Reese is hiding in someone’s purse when they leave.

signature

14 responses to The Guest Evaluation Form

  1. 

    Thanks for the chuckle Cary. I simply love this blog!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    Summer corpse!
    Oh you kill me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    Are you kidding? Free exotic floor show by a sexy Tiddles with full frontal? You should strap a little G-string on him so guests will have a place to tuck the ones. You’d clean up. Get it? Clean up? I’m here all week.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    I keep a container of Clorox wipes on the counter and try to make sure guests see me wipe food preparation surfaces down prior to immediate use.
    I quit even trying with the pet hair. I like to think that visitors take a little part of my home with them when they leave. For forever. Because they will be finding Maxx (cat) and Simba (golden retriever) hairs in places like their wallets for years to come. Maxx & Simba are not the only pets, just the most prolific in the shedding department.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    No one ever visits Sven, HUNTER and I, more than once. I like to think that it is all Hunter’s fault. He has God awful manners. And I taught him everything he knows, except for chasing squirrels.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      May I borrow Hunter for a party, then?

      Like

      • 

        Can Hunter stay with you in June? We are having guests for like, four days. Otherwise we are planning to take them to a fancy hotel for two of the nights and act like it is what we do when people visit cuz we are made of money. They don’t know that people never visit. One problem though. Hunter eats cats.

        Liked by 1 person

        • 

          Crap. June is booked. I was hoping for something along the lines of “yesterday.” Oh, well. And I also like pretending I have money. For some reason, my bank has a problem with this, though.

          Like

You got something to say? Say it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s