It’s Not Safe to Fart

March 21, 2016 — 10 Comments

Dear Journal,

I can’t fit into my pants, so I’m dieting again. It’s either that or buying fat clothes, and I can’t afford a new wardrobe.

Now that I have committed to cutting sugar and carbs from my plate and replaced it with a high fiber/water/protein/artificial sweeter diet, you know what that means, right? It’s not safe to fart.

A helpful piece of information that weight-loss magazines and websites fail to disclose to their readers is that when you suddenly change your diet, you are half a flatulence away from surprise diarrhea. One moment, you feel a slight pressure in your rear while standing alone in the paper towel aisle of the grocery store, and the next, your Jackson-Pollocking your pants before quickly waddling to your car (leading with your hips), praying that you don’t run into anyone you know. But I suppose marketing volcanic ass splatter as a step on your journey to a hot body doesn’t really sell Weight Watchers snack cakes, Self magazines, or Tae Bo videos.

There’s a price to pay for suddenly shitting…I mean, “shifting” from a meal plan that incorporates ten chocolate-covered donuts a day to one that is isn’t served in cellophane. The moment an unfried vegetable passes through my stomach after months of fast food, the demons of junk food that made their home in my intestines punish me by violently flushing it out the end of my digestive tract.

Because of my weakness to cravings and laziness from exercise, I deserve to sound like I’m ripping open a plastic, gallon tub of ice cream after squatting on a public toilet. I deserve to hide at home on weekends and within twenty feet of my bathroom instead of partying with my cats.  It’s what I get for treating my body like a garbage disposal.

So this is me starting over. Yet again. I can do this. I will fit comfortably into my pants. After all, the irritable bowels are just a temporary hazing period, a way to pay my dues before earning back a body that is shaped more like a carrot and less like an eggplant. To get through it, I’ll just tell myself that I’m exorcising my demons during every trip to the toilet…if I make it on time.

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10 responses to It’s Not Safe to Fart

  1. 

    Never before I had read the dangers and pains of a new diet described so perfectly well and still humorous. 🙂
    It made me giggle and laugh (even though I’m on a ‘forced’ diet since past December, generally called “the broken heart syndrome” which includes my poor stomach refusing to accept any amount of chocolate. *sigh*)
    I comfortably fit in my pants and will continue to do so, fitting in 15 years-old-pants by June if my stomach and my heart continue being at war. LOL
    I’m sure, once your respective inner organs got used to their new life, they’ll fairly agree with you that it’s more comfy in wider pants. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    “Marketing volcanic ass splatter as a step on your journey to a hot body doesn’t really sell Weight Watchers snack cakes, Self magazines, or Tae Bo videos.”

    I wanna put that up on a tile in my wash room.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    A few short years ago I embarked on a grain-free lifestyle led by the fantabulous Dr. William Davis (if you read his Wheat Belly series you will never touch a donut again!).
    I went from a size 8 (on 4’11” that is a scary, scary size) to a size 4 & stayed there until I got a tad too lenient with my dietary habits. Gaining a lot of the weight I lost back, I was more than motivated to get back on the grain-free wagon. So far, without even doing the detox part of it, I’ve shed around 5 pounds.

    If you need a diet-buddy, email me! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    I TOTALLY feel your pain. Except for the fake sugar. I won’t touch that shit. It tastes like chemicals smell. I recently gave up my fast food for lunch every day diet. Now I eat Yogurt and fruit for breakfast and salads and fruit for lunch. Dinner is a toss up since the husband gets home before me and usually cooks dinner. In two weeks, my pants are already loose, but my stomach is NOT happy about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Oh no, not artificial sweeteners! They don’t help. They really don’t.(They give certain select people the runs.) Eating less does .Eating tons of fruit & veggies is a good idea always, but if you crave a doughnut, fr Gawd’s sake, eat a doughnut…ONE doughnut, and really savor every bite. Sugar’s no problem in moderation, so long as you’re not pouring it straight down your gullet. Skimp on meat. You need less than you think. NO GODDAM DIET SODAS. Seriously. There’s no big trick to dieting. Keep busy so you don’t think about food.
    Anytime I ever dieted by following a meal plan, I obsessed about food. No help at all. And good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 

    You know, when you were “exorcising your demons” you were just one vowel away from getting those evil little shits back in shape.

    I said vowel, not bowel. Shut up, eggplant.

    Just remember, no matter how cute or edgy it may sound, myshreddies.com is NOT a dating website. Okay, I’m all out of puns.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      I’d like to add how funny I find all the food advice on the internet. Barring congenital birth defects, a person’s weight typically has next to nothing to do with food, it has to do with eating.

      Find out WHY you’re eating more than you need to, fix THAT, and then sit back, relax, and watch your body return to normal naturally and effortlessly.

      Incidentally, this also works with things like allergies and chemical imbalances–once the stress that brought them on is eliminated, you’d be shocked how many things just clear up on their own. I certainly was.

      Liked by 1 person

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