Friday afternoon, I received news that pushed me to the verge of shitting my pants with joy:
Despite not being a finalist for first through third place, this was still a huge validation for me. To have my articles about cat shit, anal sex, and/or psychological animal abuse recognized on its writing merits (and, thankfully, not popularity) at this level was the encouragement I needed to continue offending my readers.
Unfortunately, I am unable to afford attendance at the L.A. conference in June. As much as I want to, this may be for the best as after the awards ceremony, I’ll probably only be remembered as the obstreperous drunk and thereby frowned upon by the keynote speaker, Jeanne Phillips (the current Dear Abby). However, since I am now on the outskirts of the outskirts of the elite circle of our nation’s news writers, I would like to suggest addendums to their current code of conduct. I’m not suggesting it be rewritten (though I’m fucking surprised they assume I meet them), I am just asking that as the sculptors of our culture, we take more care in the information supplied.
So using my newly-acquired influence, I would like to suggest the following additions to protect the integrity of our news and entertainment:
- “Only Morons Care [if/to/that]…” should be included at the beginning of every “celebrity worship” article title (e.g. “Only Morons Care that Angela Dugger is Dating Again!” “Only Morons Care to See What Scarlett Johannsson Wore to the Oscars”)
- Every time the media mentions Sarah Palin, a demon gets its wings.
- “Calm your tits. This is fake.” must be included in the title of all satire/spoof articles.
- Every gay-interest article need not feature shirtless men, especially when it isn’t relevant to the content. For example:
- Whenever the words “Kardashian” and/or “Jenner” are typed, America collectively drops 1 IQ point.
- Every online article with a comment section becomes the written equivalent of The Jerry Springer Show.
- All sex-related material must be proofread by the writer’s grandmother (I’m looking at you Cosmo).
- All articles must close with , “Special thank to Cary Vaughn of The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal for strengthening the integrity of our profession.”
I believe the only obstacle to implementing these new rules is my reputation as taking conduct advice from me is like taking sex advice from Mother Teresa. Hopefully, they will see the merits of these suggestions and how they can improve America’s reputation. Wish me luck.