Come to Depression

May 19, 2016 — 16 Comments

The following ad was paid for by the Depression Tourism Council.

It’s summer again, and many of you are planning your annual holiday away from work. If you’ve done this before, you know that getaways are exhausting and expensive. You can empty your wallet on an excursion to Hawaii, the Caribbean, or your Mom’s house, but have you considered Depression? It’s the most visited vacation spot that barely anyone talks about.

With an extended stay in Depression, you can live in solitude while we impose amenities such as the frustrating absence of motivation from responsibility, alienation from friends & family nagging you to just “smile,” and a free weight loss program that borders on starvation. If that doesn’t convince you, just think of how much money you will save by staying in bed all day with the lights off while a desperate hussy on the television you aren’t watching learns if the Duke of Man Sluts beside her is or is not the father of her child. All you have to do is show up, and Depression will do the rest.

In the absence of rowdy distractions such as people screaming on nausea-inducing roller coasters, unceasingly crashing waves, talking mice, or companionship, you will finally be able to reflect on all of the failures in your life that have gotten you to where you are now, even the ones you have forgotten. As an added bonus, Depression will even conjure a few false failures for you to ponder. And once you finally return to the real world, you will have the emotional scars as a souvenir that will stay with you forever, unlike the snow globe trinket you bought from that toothless troglodyte at some shoddy road-side attraction that will end up collecting dust in your attic next year (the trinket, not the troglodyte).

Trust us when we say that nobody will be happier to see you than when you come back from a trip to Depression. Your family may not appreciate it at the time, but they will talk about it through the years to come. The moment you emerge, see the happy smile on your wife’s face, feel the warm hugs from your children, and taste the sweet tears of joy from your best friend (if you have one when you get back).

But don’t take our word for it, see what others have to say about their stay in Depression:

“I didn’t think it would ever end. It felt like I was there forever.” – Anonymous Commenter #1

“I can’t believe how much weight I lost while in Depression. My mother barely recognized me.” – Anonymous Commenter #2

“I’m so lucky my cat was there with me the whole time.” – Anonymous Commenter #3

So put down your phone and disconnect yourself from the rest of the world at a popular vacation destination where you can be alone with your thoughts, Depression. Everybody wants to get away, many will end up in Depression, but nobody gets to leave until we say you get to leave.

16 responses to Come to Depression

  1. 

    I took this trip recently, and while my scars are unique, I’d really like to bring home a fucking snow globe. Just the one time, you know?
    (P.S. I love you and your glorious writing. This was brilliant.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    I love your mind, even if it doesn’t love you sometimes:P

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    I can’t joke about depression because I haven’t vacationed there. I think I may have driven through it a few times, but it was so scary that I always pushed the gas pedal to the floor. I don’t think I am tough enough to stay there. I hope you skip your summer depression vacation, Cary.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    See what giving up booze does? For the love of god, man, grab the tequila and the blender and get crackin’ on your next forgotten weekend!

    I’m the opposite, the weight just falls off when I’m happy. I’m so absorbed and mobile, I forget to eat. Depression makes me binge on You Tube, Little Debbie, and sleep.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    I personally, like to spend my vacation with Depression in the wintertime. Christmas is made just that much more special while I wrap my family’s gifts with the ribbons of my tears or unconcerned numbness. My visits are seasonal, Thank God, but I truly empathize with anyone who visits, rides the rides, and get’s the free t-shirt. It is a muted grey with tiny block letters, of course. We wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea with any celebratory colors or happy neons. Wish I could one up this post a million times.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 

    Boy, I wish this were funny – or rather, that I was able to laugh. I have seen all of Game of Thrones available on Amazon so far and most of Masters of Sex… Depression sounds so restful if you’re not in it…much as a bad case of flu does, I guess.
    Having a cat who likes to sleep next to my pillow is a definite help. I recommend.

    Liked by 1 person

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