While shopping for a more natural and eco-friendly litter, I discovered one that not only promised “outstanding odor control,” “99% dust free,” and “quick clumping & easy scooping,” it also proclaimed itself to be the best cat litter in the whole fucking world.
Gasconading about being superior to German engineering, ancient Chinese secrets, and Portuguese scientific know-how within the name of your product is so audacious, I immediately gave this Muscatine, Iowa-based company a chance without the due diligence that should have been involved when paying three times more than the average bag of cat litter. I was under the impression that I was getting what I was paying for. If I pay for a bag of litter that cost three times more than the average, I should expect a litter that works three times better than the average. Right?
I don’t know about you, Journal, but when I award a manufactured product with the title of “World’s Best,” I have to deem it a remarkable improvement over all of its competitors. A”world’s best” battery would last forever. A “world’s best” sleeping pill wouldn’t make me sleep eat or feel groggy in the morning. A”world’s best” toilet paper wouldn’t sprout dingleberries in the wake of its wipe. Well, after paying over $30 for a bag of World’s Best Cat Litter: Advanced Natural, this is what I got:
DUST: Whenever I scooped the box, a rather hefty plume of dust wafted into the air like a detonated smoke bomb. Because they claimed to be 99% dust free, I began to wonder, ‘99% dust free compared to what!?’ I’ve seen pickup trucks speeding along the dirt roads of North Mississippi kick up less dust. Maybe the unbridled dust cloud created whenever the litter is even mildly disturbed directly relates to the cat litter company’s tactic of achieving “outstanding odor control.” You can’t smell what smothers you.
SMELL: Speaking of “outstanding odor control,” this litter controls odor about as well as a gas station bathroom attendant. I’ve smelled the inside of government-funded nursing homes crammed with the neglected elderly that was more pleasant to my olfactories than a used litter box filled with World’s Best Cat Litter: Advanced Natural. Even unused, the smell of this litter is unpleasant. When I first opened the bag of this cat litter, “summer pasture” came to mind, and I’m not talking about a romanticized summer pasture of fresh air and rolling hills of grass and daisies. I’m talking about a real pasture of old, uneaten corn, sun-baked cow shit, and mud. Organic, is the best way I can describe it, as if The World’s Best Cat Litter: Advanced Natural is the hippie of cat litters. I don’t want my house smelling like hippie cat litter.
SIFTING: This litter may, as it claims, clump quickly. I cannot say for sure because I do not eagerly hover over my cats with a scooper while they take a piss. I’ll just take their word for it. However, I would like to address the claim of “easy scooping.” Mining for cat shit is not an activity I look forward to, so the faster I can scoop three cat litter boxes, the happier I will be. Now, I’ve used the same scooping mechanism with various brands of litter over nine long years of cat ownership, and each brand has sifted through the scooper with ease. However, I believe I would have to use a pitchfork to experience the same level of ease-of-sifting with The World’s Best Cat Litter: Advanced Natural. But because I stopped participating in lynch mobs, I no longer have a need for a pitchfork and therefore do not own one. Because of this, I have spent many additional minutes shaking, bouncing, and wiggling my trusty scooper in order to sift away the clean litter from the clumps. I will never get those minutes back.
USE: Let me put it this way, if I wanted my cats to stay off of something, I would cover it with World’s Best Cat Litter: Advanced Naturals. They wouldn’t use it even if the pressure in their anus reached critical mass.
I wouldn’t give this company such a hard time for calling themselves World’s Best Cat Litter if they included some sort of disclaimer in large print across their bag. May I suggest “The Donald Trump of Cat Litters”? If I saw World’s Best Cat Litter: The Donald Trump of Cat Litters prior to purchase, I would at least have had the chance to make the deductive assumption that this cat litter writes checks that it’s arrogant mouth can’t cash.
NOTE: I should probably disclose that World’s Best Cat Litter: Advanced Naturals is in no way paying me for my honest opinion of their product (I’m a blogger, not a sellout). So, you’re welcome.