Spreading Cheer to Other Heathens

December 14, 2016 — 1 Comment

Dear Journal,

Since the week before Thanksgiving, I’ve been more festive than Rip Taylor on New Year’s Eve. I erected and decorated two-and-a-half Christmas trees, snaked garland along the banister, garnished the mantle with stockings and poinsettias, placed nutcrackers on active duty, and baked (i.e. eaten) five dozen batches of gingerbread cookies before the Thanksgiving turkey had the pleasure of being stuffed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Since most of my friends are as obnoxious about their cats as I am with mine (and to supplement my ravenous holiday spirit), I had the idea of mailing a gift box to their four-legged fur babies*. This method of merry is preferred if you’d rather bring holiday cheer to cats rather than people.

  • Is it just me or does “four-legged fur baby” sound like a highly perverted, Turkish sex thing?

In the event that your handicap is giving to others, I have provided a step-by-step guide below. In case you also have a deplorable distaste for reading, there are pictures.

WARNING: The following get your friend’s cat so stoned, the heathen will start wearing baahaas, take up hacky sacking, and call their owner “dude.”

1. Take a small box and line it with festive tissue paper.


2.  Pour catnip inside.


NOTE: That is not vomit in the illustration above. I just can’t draw.

3. Place cat toys and treats on top of the catnip.


NOTE: If you do not like the cat or the cat’s owner, you can substitute the toys with cat litter.

4. Fold tissue over toys and treats. Write a Christmas card to the cat and place it on top of the folded tissue.


NOTE: If you need a sample of what to write a cat, you can use what I wrote:  Dear [insert heathen’s name here], I hope this box of goodies brings you a little Christmas cheer. Have you been good this year? Have you covered your litter? Have you kept your asshole out of your owner’s face? If not, Santa will not leave anything under the tree for you. Be sure to tell [insert the name of the unfortunate owner of the heathen here] how much you appreciate your forever home because cat people are special people.

5. Place lid on the gift box.


6. Wrap box in a cut grocery bag that is turned inside out and address it to the heathen. Take to post office for postage.


NOTE: Use caution if the cat’s name would draw suspicion (such as Assassin or Killer) as this may put your friend’s home on some sort of government watch list.

While the box is in transit, catnip fumes will circulate inside of the box and absorb into the toys.


When the box arrives and is opened, the heathen will become more baked than a ceramic bong and will provide hours of entertainment for your friend.


An unexpected product of this has made me the recipient of many enjoyable cat videos. As much as I don’t like cats in my house, I don’t mind watching them through the safety of a screen. If the idea of sending a cat gift box does not encourage you , maybe this video will:

One response to Spreading Cheer to Other Heathens


    I LOVE this video! There really were/are baked cats all over town!

    Liked by 1 person

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