Gifts for Heathen Lovers

December 15, 2016 — 8 Comments

Dear Journal,

For some reason, my friends have this notion that I like cats. Because of this, they share with me a myriad of videos, pictures, and/or memes they fish from the Internet sludge (bless their hearts). Because it seems that my readers enjoy cats, I figure ‘If I have to be inundated with bizarre cat shit, so do you.’

“Jewellery” for Your Cat’s Bumhole

The invention that cat owners around the world never knew they wished for and probably won’t use: asshole bling. Either this is the creation from a cat owner who is obsessively offended by the display of both animal and human private parts or the owner of a modest cat who feels self-conscious when walking with its tail up.

What is most helpful about this video is the closeup of a cat’s backside in case you forgot what an asshole looks like.


Unfortunately, what the video doesn’t address is:

  • Is it dishwasher safe for when the cat shits all over it while taking a poop?
  • Was the cat in the demonstration sedated? My cats would never be this calm when something pats them on their asshole when they walk.
  • If my other cats see this dangling from Blind Murphy’s tail, would they play with it? That would seem annoying, especially for a blind cat that is confused as to why its siblings are popping him in the a-hole.

But what do I know? At the sight of a Twinkle Tush, the guy in the video responds as if his infertile wife announced she is pregnant.


It’s a brand new…anus lid?

Cat Asshole Coasters


Maintaining the theme of cat sphincters, a friend recently shared the picture above. It is a set of knitted coasters that another friend received as a Christmas present. Those are not pre-evolved Pokemon. These are depictions of the backside of a confident and obese dwarf cat.

If I had one criticism for the knitter, it would be that these are the cleanest cat assholes I have ever seen (and I’ve unwillingly seem many). Maybe they should have used a light brown instead of pink. A few small, brown knots around the rim would also help with realism.

And I can’t help but feel like something is missing.


Ah, yes. Much better.

Puking Kitty Saucy Boat

This is a Kickstarter campaign that has received (so far) $14,840 because why donate to causes like curing cancer or helping little Billy buy a new kidney on the black market when you can receive the bizarre Catronica EP in exchange for a $15 donation when you can just hear it on Soundcloud for free. Fuck Billy.

Don’t tell anyone, but I know damn good and well I’ll be buying one when they hit the shelves (as long as it’s not a product exclusive to Walmart…fuck Walmart).

That’s it for now, but stay tuned because I’m sure more will come.

8 responses to Gifts for Heathen Lovers


    Happy New Year! 🙂 I had the pleasure of seeing the actual infomercial for the Twinkle Tush and was waiting for that thing to come up for the paid surveys where you vote for the most awful products. Disappointing on 2 counts – 1. that it’s actually a REAL product; 2. that someone actually gets PAID for inventing this product.

    I have literally NO WORDS for that pukey thing… :/



    I have to admit, even as a cat lover this did not make me shake my head in disbelief. It made me roar with laughter.
    Cat-ass-bling? Sure… my kitties would have gotten rid of that thing within the blink of an eye and spread it out in little tiny pieces all over the house.
    And a cat-vomit-table-dish? BWAHAHAHAHAAAA…. Hilarious… so appetizing too! I’m laughing tears here.

    Liked by 1 person


    Thank you. Thank you for that ass jewel coaster. I’m trying so hard not to laugh out loud at work that I’m almost crying from the effort. Pass the Puking Kitty Saucy Boat; I may need something to catch the tears in.

    Liked by 1 person


    Boy. If that doesn’t make a cat lover out of me, nothing will. I predict nothing will.

    Liked by 1 person


    Reblogged this on Wind Eggs and commented:
    Two of these items are simply weird, but there may be a special place in cat hell for the person who came up with item number one, or so says Jenny Manytoes, my polydactl siamese who monitors the web,

    Liked by 1 person

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