Archives For Cat Care

Shit Scissors: A Poem

October 14, 2016 — 7 Comments

A tool that is mostly used to cut through Christmas paper,

Scrapbooking or shearing hair or even stab a raper.

Scissors in my home, though, are assigned a different duty:

Trimming out the dookie caked around my kitty’s booty.

Continue Reading…

Dear Journal,

While shopping for a more natural and eco-friendly litter, I discovered one that not only promised “outstanding odor control,” “99% dust free,” and “quick clumping & easy scooping,” it also proclaimed itself to be the best cat litter in the whole fucking world.

Gasconading about being superior to German engineering, ancient Chinese secrets, and Portuguese scientific know-how within the name of your product is so audacious, I immediately gave this Muscatine, Iowa-based company a chance without the due diligence that should have been involved when paying three times more than the average bag of cat litter. I was under the impression that I was getting what I was paying for. If I pay for a bag of litter that cost three times more than the average, I should expect a litter that works three times better than the average. Right?

I don’t know about you, Journal, but when I award a manufactured product with the title of “World’s Best,” I have to deem it a remarkable improvement over all of its competitors. A”world’s best” battery would last forever. A “world’s best” sleeping pill wouldn’t make me sleep eat or feel groggy in the morning. A”world’s best” toilet paper wouldn’t sprout dingleberries in the wake of its wipe. Well, after paying over $30 for a bag of World’s Best Cat Litter: Advanced Natural, this is what I got:

Continue Reading…

Dear Journal,

I often worry that too many new cat owners have unrealistic assumptions when it comes to the expectations and responsibilities of sharing your home with one or more cats. Because of their romanticized preconception of cat behavior (and for that I blame cat food commercials that hire supernaturally unfinicky actors, cat litter ads that hire one of the few cats alive that actually cover their disgusting waste, and Sarah McLachlan), these stereotypically lonely yet good intentioned people quickly regret their decision. This can result in lashing out when the cat behaves as nature intended it to, returning the cat like an unwanted gift after Christmas, or re-homing the cat who thought it finally found its forever home.

And that’s why I’m here, to enlighten humans on the reality of cat care and cohabitation. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not encouraging you to reconsider cat rescue; I’m encouraging you to make an informed decision.

Continue Reading…

Dear Journal,

Mom spent the week with my husband and me, and from this visit, I learned that a list of expectations for overnight house guests may be necessary. Not everyone has five cats confined in their home. Not everyone has two handicats. Not everyone is stupid like me, I guess.

The next time we have an overnight visitor, they should expect to see this list waiting on the pillow of the guest bedroom:

Continue Reading…

A dear friend recently asked,

Dear Reluctant Cat Owner,

My cat refuses to cover her shit. What do I do? Is he trying to murder me with the smell of his deuces?

I hope you can take solace in the fact that you are not alone, so much so that I believe there are support groups for victims of this issue. Uncovered cat poop is as common in our home as my use of profanity. It’s disheartening to come home from work on a fresh, spring evening only to wonder if your toilet backed up while you were away. And you can’t trust your friends because even though they say, “No. It smell’s fine in here,” when you ask them upon entrance, you know they’re talking about it behind your back. At least, that’s what I do.

This mainly occurs with our skittish cat, Reese. I have witnessed her bolting from the litter box like a race horse the moment her last brownie drops. I assume the plopping turd slapping the back of her leg like a riding crop startles her. For this, I can’t blame her because if I felt something tickling my cheeks while sitting on the toilet, I would bolt from the bathroom, too, hands flailing in the air, pants around my ankles, and butt unwiped.

Unfortunately, I have had no luck with deterring her unhygienic behavior. Wait. Let me rephrase that. Unfortunately, I have not attempted to deter her unhygienic behavior because I am too busy wiping cat vomit off the floors, vacuuming hairballs, and breaking up ultra-violent cat fights, but I have read that there may be many reasons why this occurs. And while I would not doubt that your cat is feeding off of your misery, there’s a chance this is something that may be alleviated with a little work.

Continue Reading…

A New Chapter

April 6, 2016 — 29 Comments

Dear diareaders,

Welcome to a new chapter of The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal.

Due to a recent discovery, I feel that the tone and content of this website should change. So what are the changes?

  • The heading has been changed from “Dear Journal” to “Dear diareaders.” Diareaders is a portmanteau for “diary readers.” I chose it because I couldn’t do anything with “Journal Readers,” and “diareaders” made me giggle.
  • The tone of the content will be less abrasive towards any of my five cats (except maybe Elvis) and more supportive.

So why the change?

Continue Reading…

Dear Journal,

I recently read an article that shared eight things I should never do to my cat. While it was a pleasant reminder of general cat care, we live in an age where companies have to label hair dryers with warnings so people won’t fry themselves with it in a running shower. Because common sense doesn’t seem to equate common practice, I feet it’s necessary to share eight more things that people should never do to their cats.

Continue Reading…

Your Cat is Family

March 31, 2016 — 22 Comments

Dear Journal,

Nine years ago, Mr. Tiddles was left behind when his owners moved away. As a matter of fact, the rumor was that when his former owners left, the cat was stranded inside the empty apartment with nothing more than an open bag of cat food. When the new tenant moved in, she kicked him out. With nowhere to go, Mr. Tiddles wasted his days roaming the apartment complex’s parking lot, crouching under parked cars for shade and lapping up the dirty water that collected in the potholes.

Continue Reading…

Dear Journal,

It may be unbelievable, but I once enjoyed having company. Years ago, it wasn’t uncommon for me to host an impromptu dinner gathering or welcome unannounced company into my home to share a bottle of wine. It was easy because my home was in a constant state of cleanliness and order. But then cats happened.

Continue Reading…

Reviewing Cat Products

March 7, 2016 — 16 Comments

Dear Journal,

If you want to know what it feels like to diarrhea money, own a cat. For the care, health, safety, and entertainment of an ungrateful feline, your wallet will have to spread open more than your mom’s vagina. And much like your mom’s vagina, it’ll make you double over with cramps and moans. Your face will flush and a cold sweat will spread over your brow as dollar bills spew forth, dousing the pet store cash register with money you could have spent on that Autoblow2 you’ve had your eye on for 6 months.

Continue Reading…

Kitten in a Drawer

January 28, 2016 — 22 Comments

Dear Journal,

So this happened:

Zoe

I understand if your brain is incapable of processing the oddity pictured, so let me explain. That is my deaf cat, Zoe. She has poor motor skills due to a mild case of cerebellar hypoplasia. Somehow she is face-up, tightly crammed into a bathroom drawer.

Continue Reading…

One of the most commonly known facts about cats is that they are drawn to Christmas trees like Mexicans to an American border. A decorated tree may be a symbol of the holidays to you and me, but ask any feline what they see, and they’ll tell you, “meow” (because they don’t speak English). Every holiday season, my cats swarm the Christmas tree, and by New Years Day, there are at least three dozen ornament casualties by the time I drag it back into the attic (the tree; not the cat).

This year, though, Christmas in my home will be festive, Goddamnit. I am determined to have a fully decorated tree in my living room between the day after Thanksgiving through Christmas day. The cats will not fuss with the dangling ornaments or get tangled in the Christmas lights. And how will I accomplish this? Allow me to share my master plan, a plan that will keep my cats out of the Christmas tree. 

Continue Reading…

Dear Journal,

I was going to let this go, but fuck it. I have a headache, a smart mouth, and my very own website. [*giggle* I wrote “but fuck it.”]

I am aghast that the Center for Disease Control has yet to alert the nation of an epidemic that is crippling our once-civilized society. Self-Perception Displacement Disorder (or more commonly known around the internet as Center of the Universe Syndrome) is a seemingly contagious and currently incurable mental disease that is spreading faster than a zombie apocalypse. Continue Reading…

Dear Journal,

House cat ownership comes with the inevitable infestation of feline parasites. These parasites are more burdensome than fleas, hairballs, and scratched furniture combined, and exterminating these immortal pests is just as frustrating. The more cats you have, the more parasites you will find.

It’s not like you can ignore them and hope they will go away on their own. Left untreated, feline parasites will overpopulate your blessed home, clinging to all cloth surfaces, hanging from ceiling fan blades and picture frames, and clogging themselves into your cat’s throat in the hopes of metamorphosing into an abysmal hairball.

Continue Reading…

Dear Journal,

In the span of two weeks, Partner spent over $1,000 on dental work for two out of five of our cats. Only hours after depositing the heathens at the vet’s office for what was only supposed to be a cleaning, I received a phone call stating that numerous teeth required extraction from each cat’s face hole (my words, not theirs).

Rather than linger on what one-thousand-some-odd of Partner’s dollars could have afforded me (that’s a lot of liquor and corn dogs), I launched an investigation (i.e. Googled) into this peculiar and expensive outbreak of dental decomposition.

Since “tooth decay” was too generic a search term for my situation, I typed in “mouth rot” and discovered an alarmingly accurate description of an issue much deeper than just poor hygiene: meth mouth.

Continue Reading…