Archives For gay

Dear Journal,

If I recall my first encounter with manipulation, my memory will pull me back to swinging on the Lafayette Elementary School playground during recess. A pendulum of children occupied every seat, but Patricia and Amanda felt entitled to a turn. Among the dozen of peers, the two popular yet spoiled puppeteers of young boys selected me.

“Cary,” their voices coquettishly sang, “can we have a turn on the swing?”

I explained that my turn had just begun as I swooshed back and forth, pumping my legs to fly higher. Yet even with my sincere apologies, the pair were unsatisfied with my response, immediately dropping the angelic masks they wore.

“You’re so stupid. Stupid head,” one of them barked.

“Yeah. I thought you were nice, but you’re just a jerk,” sneered the other.

And that’s how they scored my seat on the swing set, by attacking me with my known weakness: pleasing everybody to avoid conflict. Yes, I felt defeated when I plowed my feet into the sand to halt my ride. Yes, I felt ashamed when I stood aside and mumbled, “Here you go.” But at that age, I couldn’t be disliked, and they knew that. Everyone knew that.

Nowadays, I realize that if you want to manipulate someone’s feelings to get what you want, there are more civil ways of accomplishing it other than labeling your victim a “stupid head.” As a matter of fact, I may have willingly conceded my place on the swing if Patricia and Amanda had used The Cat Said method of manipulation instead of hurting my feelings – but don’t worry, I’m no longer bitter about what those wretched twats did to my innocence.

The Cat Said method is easy to master and can save your (presumably) turbulent relationship. All you need is at least one cat, one significant other (although, for you Mormons, I assume it is effective on more than one at a time – but this has yet to be tested),  and the alacrity to heartlessly beguile your naive loved one(s) into giving you want you want.

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Dear Journal,

Mom spent the week with my husband and me, and from this visit, I learned that a list of expectations for overnight house guests may be necessary. Not everyone has five cats confined in their home. Not everyone has two handicats. Not everyone is stupid like me, I guess.

The next time we have an overnight visitor, they should expect to see this list waiting on the pillow of the guest bedroom:

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Your Cat is Family

March 31, 2016 — 22 Comments

Dear Journal,

Nine years ago, Mr. Tiddles was left behind when his owners moved away. As a matter of fact, the rumor was that when his former owners left, the cat was stranded inside the empty apartment with nothing more than an open bag of cat food. When the new tenant moved in, she kicked him out. With nowhere to go, Mr. Tiddles wasted his days roaming the apartment complex’s parking lot, crouching under parked cars for shade and lapping up the dirty water that collected in the potholes.

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There Goes the Gayborhood

February 10, 2016 — 5 Comments

Dear Journal,

I’m assuming the process of moving is a bigger pain in the ass than having a prostate exam with sandpaper gloves worn by Dr. Jackhammer during a hemorrhoid flare-up. Closing on the house you own at the same time as closing on the one you are buying requires the alignment of Venus and Saturn during a full moon while sacrificing a virgin midget to the Gods of the Republican party, and since all the midgets I know are immoral whores, the home closings have been pushed to an undetermined date because the buyer’s mortgage company decided to order the appraisal shortly before our already-scheduled-months-ago closing date.

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Dear Journal,

“Welcome to my home. Please don’t judge the uncleanliness as I stopped giving a shit two weeks ago.” That was my verbatim greeting to the young man on my porch, bearing a name tag that introduced him as ‘Tyler.’ He laughed and shook my hand. That wasn’t supposed to be funny.

The moving company sent him to provide an estimate for packing services. When he asked, “Do you mind if I look around in your cabinets and drawers,” I said, “No problem. I already stashed the dildos.” He didn’t laugh. That was supposed to be funny.

As the tour of my home lead into the bedroom, I was embarrassed to discover that I left a scattered pile of waded, used tissues on the floor at my bedside.  As I caught him shooting an awkward glance at the mess, I remember thinking, ‘He probably regrets shaking my hand right now.’

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Of the 13,970 unique visitors to The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal in 2015 that generated 26,726 page views (as of December 28, 2015 at 1:30 pm Central), 1,965 found me via search engine (e.g. Google, Yahoo, Bing, etc.). Since my website platform tattles provides me with the search terms you used to find me, I have learned that y’all are some sick mother fuckers. Of course, this shouldn’t be surprising since 2014 brought me degenerates looking for “satans anus banana” and “pepper suppository burn my ass.”

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Sometimes I wish I could forget my first time. He was my first boyfriend, the person who introduced me to sushi, and the handsome man to whom I chose to lose my gay virginity. I was more anxious and excited than nervous, almost hungry for it. By the time I finally came out at the age of 26, my sexual tension was wound so tight, it required all of my self-restraint not to instantly bend over and bark, “Get inside of me” from between my knees when we first discussed intimacy.

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Dear Journal,

As of September 25, 2015, I have been married twice. The first to my wife in 1996. The second, my husband.  During the planning phase of both ceremonies, I felt as stressed as a homophobe receiving a mandatory prostate exam from a curious orangutan. However, preparation for the most recent ceremony caused an unexpected and unjust element of anxiety.

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Dear Journal,

I’m in a bad mood right now, and it’s Instagram’s fault.

Journal, if you’re looking for a picture repository of attractive, shirtless men, I can’t think of a better place on the internet than the ‘gram. The site is overflowing with selfie-worshipers who give praise to their own bodies, yet we overlooked their ridiculous-looking smolder to respond in one or more of the following ways:

  1. Drool
  2. Bitter Jealousy
  3. Vigorous Chicken Choking
  4. All of the Above

NOTE: Experiencing a combination of 2 and 3 will require psychiatric intervention.

Unfortunately, some of these Adonises (Adonisi?) swim so deep in their own narcissism, they fail to remember to keep their attention whore mouths shut and just stand there and look pretty. How am I supposed to rub one out when they accompany text with their pictures like:

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While You’re Away

July 27, 2015 — 25 Comments

Relationships are work. It can either be a full-time job you and your partner dread every Monday morning, or it can be a job you both love. Because I love Partner more than I hate having five cats, I enjoy making him laugh and smile. After all, he deserves it for tolerating someone like me for over nine years.

Last year, Partner made the mistake of leaving me home alone with the cats while he visited his parents for the week. So as to keep him informed about how the handicats and I were to take over the home (while deliberately excluding the able-bodied heathens), I made him a little book to read while on his journey.

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Christians vs. Crazies

June 29, 2015 — 29 Comments

Christians are the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever known. And I know many Christians. Unfortunately, these friendly people are having their identity damaged by a growing number of mentally unstable individuals who believe that the only requirement of Christianity is self-proclamation. Between brags about their faith, the latter type practices behaviors that would make Jesus roll in His Heaven. I am here to tell you that these types of people are not Christians. They are Crazies.

I am not a Christian, but I am here to defend them because real Christians are wonderful role models for society. The Christians I know emulate who they believe Jesus Christ to be. After all, how else did a guy that claimed to be the son of God end up with such a large following? Was it by promising threats? Was it with bullying and name-calling? Was it because He was a scaremonger? No. That is what Crazies do.

It’s been a while since I last practiced Christianity as nowadays it seems this religion has more hostages than followers, but the stories I learned from the Bible in the first 26 years of my life are still very familiar. I am aware of the teachings and practices of Jesus Christ, the religion’s namesake; and Christianity, after all, is mirror the teachings and practices of Jesus Christ.

If you need help determining what Jesus would do, allow me to provide examples of what he wouldn’t do:

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Dear Rick Scarborough,

June 26, 2015 — 15 Comments

You have made a very dramatic statement about protesting gay marriage. Well, today love won.

I can’t begin to imagine the anger and frustration you must be experiencing right now (because, again, love won). It’s never easy not getting your way. But if you don’t mind, I’d like to politely remind you of a public statement you recently made: “We are not going to bow. We are not going to bend, and if necessary we will burn.”

Well, sir. I am calling your bluff.

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Gay culture is an eclectic array that cannot be defined by generalizations like “all gay men have great fashion sense” or “all gay men cried at the end of Beaches.” If you know only one gay person, then you know nothing about me or my friends. We come in endless shapes and sizes from endless backgrounds with an endless combination of interests and habits. The only common denominator is our attraction to each other (particularly if they’re tall and handsome). So when you hear or see any of the following, please know that these habits are representative of a gay individual and not the entire gay culture.

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Originally published at Humoroutcasts.com on April 9, 2014. 

“When you’re gay, nothing changes.  You stay the same.  Your personality doesn’t change; the people in your life don’t change; who you are doesn’t change; nothing changes.”  This was said by a drastically unqualified heterosexual man with good intentions that was participating in a mandatory HR training on diversity hosted by our employer several years ago.  At that time in my life, I had only recently openly identified myself as gay, so I had a lot to say on the matter because I did change.  I always knew I was gay, but gradually, everything about me and my life changed.  Does this apply to all gays?  Of course not.  I can only speak for myself, but let me give you an example.

Catch Phrase is a game where you are provided a word or phrase from the small screen of an electronic device with the goal of having your team guess this word or phrase without using the word, words that rhyme with the word, part of the phrase, etc.  I played this with a diverse group of friends and the clues provided based on our cultural identity were drastically different.

Below are a list of words and phrases from that game and the clues that would be provided by each sexual orientation.  Below each “phrase” are the clues that would be given by heterosexual men are on the top [twitters and giggles], and clues that would be given by the homosexual males are on the bottom [twitters and giggles].

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Dear Journal,

Are you new to the gay macrocosm? If so, stick around. There are a few things to know before flying out of the closet, tossing hangers and purses everywhere.

In preparation for your transition to this new culture, you may have already found articles online that provide advice. The ones I recently found were decent articles; however, I consider them mere reminders, a rehash of information I already knew. It’s a shame they did not prevent the culture shock I experienced because they failed to address the taboo subject matter that gay men need to know. That is why we are here, to share insight from my own personal experience by mentioning the unmentionable.

I understand that because the world has changed so much since I last saw a vagina in 1999, you may already be familiar with the insider information I am about to bestow. Back then, my understanding of gay culture was limited to studying episodes of Will & Grace and outrageous rumors I collected from my rural peers of North Mississippi. Nowadays, however, you have access to so much Internet and cutting edge television, so feel free to take the information you need and leave the rest behind.

NOTE: Awareness of the following will not, in any way, prevent you from leaving your heterosexual facade behind. Trust me. I’ve tried this by unsuccessfully suppressing my gay identity between the years of 1985 – 1999 (if you don’t believe me, you can ask my ex-wife – circa 1991 to 1999). This essential information is only to help you navigate this new, unfamiliar culture without making a fool of yourself like I did.

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