Blind Murphy ruined my Sunday by attempting to gouge out my eyes.
Archives For Handicat
I often worry that too many new cat owners have unrealistic assumptions when it comes to the expectations and responsibilities of sharing your home with one or more cats. Because of their romanticized preconception of cat behavior (and for that I blame cat food commercials that hire supernaturally unfinicky actors, cat litter ads that hire one of the few cats alive that actually cover their disgusting waste, and Sarah McLachlan), these stereotypically lonely yet good intentioned people quickly regret their decision. This can result in lashing out when the cat behaves as nature intended it to, returning the cat like an unwanted gift after Christmas, or re-homing the cat who thought it finally found its forever home.
And that’s why I’m here, to enlighten humans on the reality of cat care and cohabitation. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not encouraging you to reconsider cat rescue; I’m encouraging you to make an informed decision.
Mom spent the week with my husband and me, and from this visit, I learned that a list of expectations for overnight house guests may be necessary. Not everyone has five cats confined in their home. Not everyone has two handicats. Not everyone is stupid like me, I guess.
The next time we have an overnight visitor, they should expect to see this list waiting on the pillow of the guest bedroom:
It may be unbelievable, but I once enjoyed having company. Years ago, it wasn’t uncommon for me to host an impromptu dinner gathering or welcome unannounced company into my home to share a bottle of wine. It was easy because my home was in a constant state of cleanliness and order. But then cats happened.
So this happened:
I understand if your brain is incapable of processing the oddity pictured, so let me explain. That is my deaf cat, Zoe. She has poor motor skills due to a mild case of cerebellar hypoplasia. Somehow she is face-up, tightly crammed into a bathroom drawer.
Being as famous as I think I am, Steven and I need a good home security system. I hear and read about break-ins often, yet as aware of them as I am and even as I stared at the alarm message, I had trouble believing this was happening to me.Continue Reading...
The internet has lied to me again.
Seven years ago, I agreed to home a stray cat. Steven and I named him Mr. Tiddles. Since I am not funny, clever, talented, or attractive, I assumed this animal would be my last chance at fame. It has happened to numerous cat owners before, so why not me? Why couldn’t I post pictures and videos of its antics online and then bathe in its stardom vicariously like a dance mom or Kardashian?
Standing in line at Petco next to a puddle of what I hoped was dog urine, I clutched the essential supplies for a new cat owner while daydreaming about special appearances on nationally televised morning news programs and book deals. It seemed so easy, why didn’t I think of this before?
I was going to let this go, but fuck it. I have a headache, a smart mouth, and my very own website. [*giggle* I wrote “but fuck it.”]
I am aghast that the Center for Disease Control has yet to alert the nation of an epidemic that is crippling our once-civilized society. Self-Perception Displacement Disorder (or more commonly known around the internet as Center of the Universe Syndrome) is a seemingly contagious and currently incurable mental disease that is spreading faster than a zombie apocalypse. Continue Reading…
In the span of two weeks, Partner spent over $1,000 on dental work for two out of five of our cats. Only hours after depositing the heathens at the vet’s office for what was only supposed to be a cleaning, I received a phone call stating that numerous teeth required extraction from each cat’s face hole (my words, not theirs).
Rather than linger on what one-thousand-some-odd of Partner’s dollars could have afforded me (that’s a lot of liquor and corn dogs), I launched an investigation (i.e. Googled) into this peculiar and expensive outbreak of dental decomposition.
Since “tooth decay” was too generic a search term for my situation, I typed in “mouth rot” and discovered an alarmingly accurate description of an issue much deeper than just poor hygiene: meth mouth.
As I began to drift to sleep shortly after midnight, I was startled back into full consciousness by a booming thud.
My eyes popped open, and I remained still as my vision acclimated to the dark bedroom. Being prone to the occasional hypnagogic paracusia, I was unconcerned until I heard another booming thud.
This video has no sound for a reason.
by Cary Vaughn (2014)
Cerebellar hypoplasia is a condition where the cerebellum has not completely matured at the time of birth. This causes jerky movements and uncoordinated motion (i.e. the sufferer appears to be drunk 24 hours a day). Last year, I adopted a deaf cat with cerebellar hypoplasia. Her name is Zoe. Her case is mild, mostly evident by her wobbly and jerky head.
As I have mentioned before, feeding a cat with cerebellar hypoplasia can be messy. When she is finally able to scoop a mouthful of crunchies, her wobbly head shakes most of it onto the floor. This requires lots of post-feeding cleanup. To prevent the institutionalization of the cat owner, I have created a helpful device that will not only feed your shaky cat but also keep your home clean of scattered, stray kibble at the same time. All you need is my specially designed feeding globe (patent pending).
When it comes to cat adoption, able-bodied cats have an unfair advantage: people assume they are better because they are not broken. I know people think handicats (i.e. handicap cats) are expensive or high maintenance because I used to be one of those people; however, thanks to Partner and Blind Murphy, I learned that there are benefits to sharing your home with a handicat. For example: