Archives For humour

Christmas with the Heathens

December 12, 2017 — 7 Comments

A dear friend mailed presents to our cats. It went as well as expected.

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Videos of the Heathens

January 13, 2017 — 8 Comments

Parents have various reasons for documenting the development and growth of their dependents with current technology, whether for the nostalgic purpose of filming a summer vacation on the shores of Biloxi, Mississippi or the mischievous intention of snapping a future blackmail Polaroid of your baby wearing only a toy gun holster. I’ve observed this paternal motivation in owners of pet cats as well, myself included; though, my intentions serve a different purpose.

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Gifts for Heathen Lovers

December 15, 2016 — 8 Comments

For some reason, my friends have this notion that I like cats. Because of this, they share with me a myriad of videos, pictures, and/or memes they fish from the Internet sludge (bless their hearts). Because it seems that my readers enjoy cats, I figure ‘If I have to be inundated with bizarre cat shit, so do you.’

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Since the week before Thanksgiving, I’ve been more festive than Rip Taylor on New Year’s Eve. I erected and decorated two-and-a-half Christmas trees, snaked garland along the banister, garnished the mantle with stockings and poinsettias, placed nutcrackers on active duty, and baked (i.e. eaten) five dozen batches of gingerbread cookies before the Thanksgiving turkey had the pleasure of being stuffed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

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The “Cat Said” Method

December 6, 2016 — 16 Comments

If I recall my first encounter with manipulation, my memory will pull me back to swinging on the Lafayette Elementary School playground during recess. A pendulum of children occupied every seat, but Patricia and Amanda felt entitled to a turn. Among the dozen of peers, the two popular yet spoiled puppeteers of young boys selected me.

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Shit Scissors: A Poem

October 14, 2016 — 7 Comments

I was bored so I wrote a poem about a handy tool cat owners keep handy.
Shit Scissors: A Poem

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While shopping for a more natural and eco-friendly litter, I discovered one that not only promised “outstanding odor control,” “99% dust free,” and “quick clumping & easy scooping,” it also proclaimed itself to be the best cat litter in the whole fucking world.

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