Archives For relationships

Shit Scissors: A Poem

October 14, 2016 — 7 Comments

A tool that is mostly used to cut through Christmas paper,

Scrapbooking or shearing hair or even stab a raper.

Scissors in my home, though, are assigned a different duty:

Trimming out the dookie caked around my kitty’s booty.

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While You’re Away

July 27, 2015 — 25 Comments

Relationships are work. It can either be a full-time job you and your partner dread every Monday morning, or it can be a job you both love. Because I love Partner more than I hate having five cats, I enjoy making him laugh and smile. After all, he deserves it for tolerating someone like me for over nine years.

Last year, Partner made the mistake of leaving me home alone with the cats while he visited his parents for the week. So as to keep him informed about how the handicats and I were to take over the home (while deliberately excluding the able-bodied heathens), I made him a little book to read while on his journey.

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I Have Cheated On You

July 22, 2015 — 9 Comments

July 25, 2015

Dear Journal,

You’re not going to like it, but this morning…I was with another blog.

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To convey our feelings for someone during the 1980s, those prone to romanticism used song dedications via publicly transmitted radio airwaves.

Back then, a relationship was indestructible only when cohered by the authority vested in a disc jockey. He or she would affirm your emotional attachment to someone by broadcasting, “This one goes out to [insert your first name here] from [insert their first name here].”

The song dedication not only branded your significant other as “off limits” (in the chronology of a relationship, song dedications precede marriage proposals), it lyrically embodied your passion and emotion. In the most sincere song dedications, every word mattered, not just the chorus.

So to help you determine if your loved one is fucking crazy, here are a few songs that, if dedicated to you, should be regarded as a red flag. Wait. That came out wrong. If you are sexually intimate with your loved one and read “fucking” as a verb, this would suggest I just called you crazy. Sorry. Just so we’re clear, I meant “fucking” adjectively.

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Nine years may be an odd anniversary to recognize, but as of Thursday, December 4, 2014, I will have officially experienced the longest romantic relationship in the almost-42 years of my existence. That’s three thousand, two hundred, and eighty-seven days of emotional commitment to the same person (76,719 days in gay years).

To what do I owe the longevity of this ongoing partnership? The answer is pretty plain. We have all heard that relationships are work, but a great relationship is typically maintained by simply not being an asshole.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t hook up with Mr. Right on the first try. In fact, I have accomplished more failed courtships than ninety-three Taylor Swifts. But I learned from each and every one of them, mainly that it wasn’t always their fault that the spark between us farted out or that we just didn’t get along anymore. What still astonishes me, though, is how many of you believe your past relationship went sour because of the other person. That is why I am devoting this week’s article teaching you loose and unsettled whores how to recognize if you are, in fact, the problem in your miserable relationship (and to gloat about my current relationship status).

The short list below provides a few signs to recognize when determining who is the troublemaker in your current or past romantic endeavor (hint: it’s probably you). It’s not as glamorous or scientifically sound as a Cosmo quiz, but I think it is still useful advice.

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