Archives For Zoe

Kitten in a Drawer

January 28, 2016 — 22 Comments

Dear Journal,

So this happened:

Zoe

I understand if your brain is incapable of processing the oddity pictured, so let me explain. That is my deaf cat, Zoe. She has poor motor skills due to a mild case of cerebellar hypoplasia. Somehow she is face-up, tightly crammed into a bathroom drawer.

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Dear Journal,

The internet has lied to me again.

Seven years ago, I agreed to home a stray cat. Steven and I named him Mr. Tiddles. Since I am not funny, clever, talented, or attractive, I assumed this animal would be my last chance at fame. It has happened to numerous cat owners before, so why not me? Why couldn’t I post pictures and videos of its antics online and then bathe in its stardom vicariously like a dance mom or Kardashian?

Standing in line at Petco next to a puddle of what I hoped was dog urine, I clutched the essential supplies for a new cat owner while daydreaming about special appearances on nationally televised morning news programs and book deals. It seemed so easy, why didn’t I think of this before?

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The People vs. Zoe

December 8, 2014 — 18 Comments

Ladies and gentlemen of the World Wide Jury, let me first say that you are looking very beautiful today. I am proud to be in the company of such a fine and intelligent group of adjudicators.

The trial in which you are about to see is the case of The People of the Condemnable Home versus Zoe. This case is not about regretting my decision to cohabit with five cats. It is about the right to not live in squalor while cohabitating with heathens.

Zoe Mug Shot

Don’t let the picture fool you. This is not the face of innocence.

 

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Is your cat an alcoholic?  Do you even know the signs to look for? These clever creatures can blame hairballs for their vomiting for only so long before you become suspicious. If you think your cat is an alcoholic, there are many online resources available to help you make this determination before confronting your feline.

For example (an excerpt from the article “20 Secret Signs of Addiction“):

Finding a bottle or a six-pack tucked where it shouldn’t be is one of the most common tip-offs that someone’s drinking is getting out of hand…Over time, alcoholics and addicts develop a network of hiding places to stash their drugs. There may even be a sense that the family member is “guarding” the alcohol…Outbursts of temper may ensue if someone disturbs the private territory.

Alcoholics tend to have stashes of alcohol in secret locations (seen pictured above). The private bottle disguises how much the alcoholic is really drinking. When an alcoholic has a private stash of alcohol, they typically keep it in one room, so if the person spends a prolonged period of time in one room, be on alert. We’ve heard stories of mothers staying in the kitchen all day because their private stash was in the cupboard, or a father who spends far too much time in the garage.  If you’re not aware, this might seem like normal behavior. But it’s not normal to spend hours at a time in one particular room. So if a loved one is spending an inordinate amount of time in one room, it may be worth it to check and see what’s going on.

Zoe is very creative as to where she hides her stash.

Speak to your alcoholic cat before it’s too late, before their addiction tears your family apart. Know the signs. Get the help they need. Live a happier life together.

Dear Journal,

When it comes to cat adoption, able-bodied cats have an unfair advantage: people assume they are better because they are not broken. I know people think handicats (i.e. handicap cats) are expensive or high maintenance because I used to be one of those people; however, thanks to Partner and Blind Murphy, I learned that there are benefits to sharing your home with a handicat. For example:

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Zoe is not very graceful when it comes to the hunt.

Zoe is not very graceful when it comes to the hunt.

Somebody does NOT want me to get any writing done this afternoon.

Somebody does NOT want me to get any writing done this afternoon.

How to Make Happiness

April 28, 2014

Welcome to The Emotional Chef.

Today we will be preparing one of everybody’s favorite: happiness.  We all want happiness, but unfortunately, not everybody knows how to make it.

Personally, I make my own happiness with drugs, but if drugs are not available to you, you can always try the following recipe below.

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The other night, I had to pee.  Nothing unusual there.  Everybody pees.  So why am I writing about a typical trip to the bathroom?  Because Zoe, that’s why.

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Because I’m a sucker when it comes to handicats, I adopted Zoe about 5 months ago (rhymes with “toe” not “doughy”).  She was born deaf and is afflicted with a mild case of cerebellar hypoplasia (the latter makes her head wobble like a drunk).

Zoe is not my first handicat, but she is the first in our condemnable home that is deaf.  In case you, too, are considering a deafie, I wanted to share some on my experiences so that your handicat’s transition to their new home will be smooth and uneventful:

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Mr. Tiddles says, “A home isn’t holiday-ready until a cat-shit paw-print trail extends from the litter box, through the kitchen floor, over the kitchen counters, into the dining room, and God knows where else (because its hard to see smudges of feces  on hardwood floors), signifying the journey of the three wise men.”

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My PaTA Campaign

April 25, 2014

There are many organizations out there doing great work protecting helpless animals from physical harm, and I commend them. However, what about organizations that provide and promote psychological protection for helpless animals?  As far as I know, there aren’t any. That is why I intend to form an organization called PaTA (People Against Traumatizing Animals).  Once my grant is approved (fingers crossed), I will devote time raising public awareness of animal psychological trauma.

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Intervention: Zoe

April 25, 2014

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Dear Zoe,

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