If you are a cat owner like me, I’m surprised you are sober enough to read this. Also like me, you fight a losing battle daily to rid your home of cat hair tumbleweeds the size of Ewoks, puddles of designer vomit (I call it “designer” because the cost of grain-free cans of cat food is a crime against humanity), and stray litter tossed over their litter box as if the heathens attempted to tunnel to the Earth’s core. Eventually, you give up the fight because what’s the point? It’s easier to prevent visitors to your condemnable home than to keep your condemnable home presentable.

However, during a moment of clarity whilst drifting through a recent haze of alcoholism, I realized how to deter one particular nuisance: butt scooting. The sight of a cat smearing their brown butt butter across a carpet is comedy gold for anyone with the mentality of a 12-year-old. I admit I think it’s amusing, too, but only when performed upon someone else’s carpet as I prefer my rug fibers remain cat-ass-stench free.

So what genius invention did I envision during my moment of clarity? A match sandwich.

What is a match sandwich?

A match sandwich is a learning tool that a frustrated cat owner can construct from just a few basic household items. It’s easy to make but could be surprisingly effective. If you are interested, just follow the steps below: 

How to Make a Match Sandwich

Materials required: a mild sedative, small strip of sandpaper, matchstick, piece of tape, and reprobate cat.

1. Sedate cat.

2. Place match against the back of the cat’s upper thigh, next to butthole.

3. Cover match with the strip of sandpaper (rough side in).

4. Secure the match sandwich to the cat with tape.

NOTE: I suggest one match sandwich for each thigh.

The next time your cat traverses across the room with their balloon knot pressed against the floor while you are conveniently hosting a dinner party, the friction from the sandpaper will cause the match to ignite. The smoke you will then see isn’t from the bacteria in its rectum electing a new pope; it will be the smoke from the flames of justice, and your cat’s asshole will burn hotter than a Rocoto pepper suppository.

Although this method isn’t yet scientifically tested, it’s safe to assume that you will not have to apply match sandwiches to the same cat anytime in the near future. And in no time, your home will be one step closer to the clean and sanitary haven you always dreamed it could be.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Be sure your home insurance is current and covers fire damage prior to making match sandwich.