Cat Litter. We can’t live with it, and we can’t live without it. Well, you can live without it if you don’t have a cat, but then there’s the rest of us suckers who have at least five.

Since there’s not enough Xanax in America to help cope with the stress caused by cats tracking litter throughout your spotless, sanitized house (and desperation is the step-mother of invention), I have created a device that will eliminate this issue and, thereby, finally encourage your sobriety.

Allow me to introduce The Heathen Paw Cleaner 3000 (patent pending).

NOTE: Before you get too overwhelmed with excitement, please note that this device does not prevent litter slinging or sanitize the back paws. These options are being saved for the more expensive 2.0 version that won’t be available until next Christmas.

The litter box, sponge, and cloth all rest on scales attached to a CPU. The iron cage will hang from a computerized rig bolted to the ceiling and connected to the CPU. The cage is mandatory; otherwise, your little, furry brat will dart away after their litter box business is complete, tossing poop-stained, clay pebbles throughout your clean home as if they are performing a jazz routine.

When your cat steps into the litter box, the change in weight sends a signal to the CPU, and the iron cage falls, trapping your nasty cat inside as it does its business.

Once your cat steps out of the litter box, the scale will signal the CPU to activate the laser pointer, wiggling an enticing laser dot over the alcohol-sponge soaked.

Once your cat steps out of the litter box, the scale will signal the CPU to activate the laser pointer, wiggling an enticing laser dot over the alcohol-sponge soaked.

When the cat notices the laser dot, they will playfully slap their front paws against the moist sponge, thereby sanitizing their disgusting paws. The weight added to the scale under the sponge will activate a timer.

When the time runs out over the alcohol sponge, the CPU directs the laser pointer over the dry cloth. When the CPU feels the change of weight over the dry cloth, a new timer is activated.

Your cat will then attempt to capture the laser dot on the dry cloth, unknowingly drying its now-clean and disinfected front paws.

When the internal CPU timer reaches 0, the cage will lift, freeing your furry runt to roam about the house again.

WARNING: Using this device for a blind cat will cause permanent entrapment as sightless feline will not see red laser dot that triggers the cage’s release.

Please refrain from flooding me with emails pleading for a The Heathen Paw Cleaner 3000. I currently do not have prices available as I am still constructing the prototype. I will post them for sale after I have successfully constructed a functional model. Until then, keep taking your Xanax.

I’m going to make so much of the money.