The greatest compromises when allowing one or more feline heathens into your home is cleanliness and order.  Cat hair tumbleweeds, vomit, litter tracked everywhere, the lingering spirits of shits from assholes past, and furniture so tattered and scarred you begin to wonder if they come alive at night to knife fight each other. These are only a few of the obstacles that compulsive cleaners like me face daily. Unlike non-indoor animal people that I regularly envy, we must have a more rigorous cleaning routine if we want to keep our home ready in case “I Can’t Believe You Have Cats” magazine drops in for an unexpected photoshoot. Here’s are some of the tools I use that keep me sane:

Portable Vacuum: A portable option is ideal so cat owners can easily clean the hardwood floors and the walls (please tell me I’m not the only one who vacuums the walls). But because litter and kibble debris aren’t as light as the loose fur that carpets your floor, make sure to purchase one with the sucking power of an exiled, Filipino prostitute. However, please note that finding a vacuum capable of thoroughly cleaning a carpeted floor isn’t easy. My suggestion for this situation is to buy a home with hardwood floors. Carpet is gross.

Rubber “sponge“: I wipe this handy fucker over every upholstered item in my home because nothing says “I neglect my home” like a sofa covered in so many patches of fur that it looks like it’s undergoing puberty. The one downside is that the sponge does wear down, leaving bits of debris in its path like an eraser. But bonus, it doesn’t leave a mark when tossed into a cat fight.

Air Purifiers: Buy one for every room of your house. This is expensive but necessary. And be sure to clean and change their filters regularly; otherwise, you’ll end up with nothing more than an indoor wind farm that cost you a couple grand.

Stain and Odor Remover: For the love of your neighbors’ olfactory senses, please stop using chemicals to cover up the smell of indoor animals. It doesn’t work. The only thing that smells more repulsive than Fabulosa is the amalgamation of shit, stale piss, and Fabulosa. We can still smell it. Instead of trying to convince visitors that your home smells like a “rainforest breeze,” find natural odor absorbers. I use a lot of baking soda, a lot of vinegar, and a lot of rubbing alcohol. It’s not only natural; it’s safer to use when you have pets that may have a reaction to the strong scent. I may not like cats, but I don’t want to torture them.

Here are a couple of other things I keep handy in case of a mental emergency:

Apathy Sauce: Head to the liquor store, pick a potent bottle (taste is irrelevant), and apply generously to stomach as needed by securely connecting bottle to mouth and throwing back head. Within 20 minutes, if your house isn’t perceptively “clean,” you’ll be too drunk to give a fuck. WARNING: Over-consumption of apathy sauce results in locking self in a dark hall closet uncontrollably crying over what has become of your home and your life.

Magic Wand: Typically utilized after excessive use of apathy sauce.  These single-use solutions (also known as “matches”) should only be utilized as a last resort. To activate, wave the magic wand against the side of the box’s rough surface until wand activates.  Place lit wand on sofa, run outside with the heathens, and watch in manic glee as the magic cleans your home one last time. *

WARNING: Be sure home insurance is current prior to use of magic wand.

*My husband said he wants me to tell you that matches aren’t the answer and that I may need therapy.  Whatever.