The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal

A Cat Owner’s Guide to Cleaning Your Home

The greatest compromises when allowing one or more feline heathens into your home is cleanliness and order. Cat hair tumbleweeds, vomit, litter tracked everywhere, the lingering spirits of shits from assholes past, and furniture so tattered and scarred you begin to wonder if they come alive at night to knife fight each other. These are…
Gib Ebis Keeses (or “How a cat’s butthole Tastes”)

If you’ve spent any time with my partner and me inside of our quaint, condemnable home, you have likely heard him command me to kiss Elvis. Mostly, he makes these demands with a cute voice as if cooing a baby. “Kees Ebis,” or “Gib Ebis keeses.” As he expects, I just respond by sneering, rolling my eyes, and…
If Cats Ruled the World

If cats ruled the world, people parlors (the human equivalent of a cat café) will be a trendy meeting spot where heathens can enjoy a beverage and light snack while experiencing the subservience of enslaved humans.
Predator Face is a Star

A couple of years ago, Predator Face was recovering from surgery, but that didn’t deter his impulse to barge into the bathroom while I was using it. As most of us do, I was browsing the internet while doing my business. While sitting on the toilet and watching him attempt to paw his way in,…
Shit Scissors: A Poem

A tool that is mostly used to cut through Christmas paper, Scrapbooking or shearing hair or even stab a raper. Scissors in my home, though, are assigned a different duty: Trimming out the dookie caked around my kitty’s booty. When our long-hair hunkers down to birth a stinky poopie, It becomes a disaster when it…
How to Prevent Litter Tracking

Cat Litter. We can’t live with it, and we can’t live without it. Well, you can live without it if you don’t have a cat, but then there’s the rest of us suckers who have at least five. Since there’s not enough Xanax in America to help cope with the stress caused by cats tracking litter throughout your…
How Deter Butt Scooting

If you are a cat owner like me, I’m surprised you are sober enough to read this. Also like me, you fight a losing battle daily to rid your home of cat hair tumbleweeds the size of Ewoks, puddles of designer vomit (I call it “designer” because the cost of grain-free cans of cat food is a…
How to Feed a Cat with Cerebellar Hypoplasia

Cerebellar hypoplasia is a condition where the cerebellum has not completely matured at the time of birth. This causes jerky movements and uncoordinated motion (i.e. the sufferer appears to be drunk 24 hours a day). Last year, I adopted a deaf cat with cerebellar hypoplasia. Her name is Zoe. Her case is mild, mostly evident by her wobbly and jerky head. Feeding…
How to Stop Elevator-Butt Pee

Elevator butt is a common feline position where a cat lifts its hindquarters while lowering its front. However, if your cat is a whore, this is called “lordosis.” Other than using elevator butt as a form of communication, cats typically arranged themselves in this stance when its human slave rubs the area at the base…
If Cat’s Ruled the World

According to the Internet, if cats ruled the world, they would commute to work on Roombas, and rush hour would look hilarious.
Valentine’s Day Cards for Your Cat

I recently discovered that there is a surprising lack of Valentine’s Day cards for cats (not that I celebrate this stupid holiday with my stupid cats). I’m not referring to cards with wretchedly unclever puns such as “You’re PURRRRfect,” “I will love you MEOW and FUREVER,” or “When I’m with you, I’m FELINE good.” I mean cards that…
I Need Your Cat Advice

Dear Journal, Despite rumors of my alleged cat obsession, I am as adept at cat behaviorism as Pat Robertson is to Christianity. This is why I am desperate for your advice. When using a toilet facility, civilized individuals will take appropriate measures to ensure that their cohabitants are not smothered by the stench of their ass brownies, whether it be a courtesy flush…
Your Cat is Not Trying to Kill You

Dear Journal, Don’t believe the nonsensical propaganda you read in pop-lit and websites. Your cat is not trying to kill you. There is simply no reliable evidence supporting these presumptive murderous intentions. I don’t dispute that if you were to suddenly drop dead, your feline companion would contract a severe case of indifference; however, it is extraordinarily improbable that your bucket will…
If I Die in a Home Invasion…

Dear Journal, As I began to drift to sleep shortly after midnight, I was startled back into full consciousness by a booming thud. My eyes popped open, and I remained still as my vision acclimated to the dark bedroom. Being prone to the occasional hypnagogic paracusia, I was unconcerned until I heard another booming thud.
Mom vs Mr. Tiddles

During Christmas, 2000-and-something (I’m terrible at chronology and remembering dates), Partner and I hosted the family gift-exchange at our apartment. That year, I gave Mom a new sweater, and she used our bedroom to try it on. The following is a re-telling of what happened after Mom closed the bedroom door .
I Have Sampled Hell

Dear Journal, You will never truly fathom the length of an hour until you’re trapped in a carful of cooped cats. I should know. In its first week on the market, our home had five showings, and prior to each weekday appointment, I have single-handedly caged and packed four hateful cats in my car so that we can squat at a nearby Walgreens parking lot while a potential buyer judges…
A Letter to My Past Self

Dear Cary, I don’t know when this will reach you, but I hope it’s before Saturday, September 3, 2007, as this letter bears a desperate plea and a dire warning. The date that I mention begins as usual but ends with the birth of war, and I am counting on you to construct a diversionary…